Evil Bacon of Doom!
by Little.Miss.Randomness
Summary: Crack flick ... I did you know car's can talk? well mine can and he's an aft-hole, this is my story on how i meant him, and how we annoy each other
1. Chapter 1

A.N. Hello…. This is my first fanfic plz be nice, and just to make sure you know THIS IS A CRACK STORY, not meant to make real sense, but if it does cool

Disclaimer: I don't own, transformers, nor have I met them… but I swear they are real… and when I finally met Megatron, we will rule the universe together *evil laugh* muhahahahaha! P.S. the name 'Evil Bacon of Doom' belongs to my sister warriorkat21, but like all evil people (^_^) I stole it, but you can't, MUHAHAHAHAHA ok i'm done.

(^_^) - this is the face that will rule the universe lol

* * *

><p>Chapter 1<p>

The Beginning

* * *

><p>"<em>But Kathy you told me you were going to buy me a car for my eighteenth birth day!<em>" Cassie said while crying to her twenty-two year-old sister.

Kathy started yelling at her younger eighteen year-old sister, "_**GO AWAY I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!**_"

Cassie stopped crying for a minute (as if she had a mute button) and looked at her. After about one minute. She started to cry again and then said, "_But you promised me a car… The car of my dreams… Get up Kathy please Kathy we can just go look I have been up since lunch time and it is Saturday You know you don't want to miss your whole day cuz you're sleeping!_"

Kathy sat up and looked at her sister as if she just came back from the dead then said, "_I'm broke, I lost my job and I just went to sleep about one hour ago so I want to sleep and I can not buy you your dream car right now. Why don't you go out and buy a car, you have money and you can take a bus to a car place so go and leave me alone so I can sleep!_"

Cassie looks at her sister as if I know she did not just say that then said, "_You know what Kathy I WILL go out and get MY dream car and it will be better then yours by a long shot!_"

"_Cool I really do not care, I have a car, I like my car and I want to sleep. GO AWAY!_" Kathy said back as she pulled the covers over her head, throwing a pillow at her sister and going back to sleep.

Cassie walked out of the room and slammed the door trying to get her mad, but it did not work so she went to find her mom to complain to her, about Kathy being mean on her birthday, but Cassie looked all over the house for her mom, but she was know were seen or heard. So she left the house to go to Wal-mart to get some candy because she was hunger and she know If she got candy she could get hyper and that could bug her sister. As she was walking out of the house, she saw one of her best friends from school, "_Billie!_" She yelled at the top of her lunges. Billie stopped and looked over at her. They met up with each other and started to talk.

Billie says back to Cassie, "_HHHEEEYYY girl what you up to?_"

They meet up to gather and start talk some more.

"_Nothing much going to Wal-mart to get some candy you want to go?_" Cassie answered the question and the asked one back.

"_Nah I can't I am meeting up with some boys at the park in like ten minutes, but you can chill with us instead of going to get candy!_" Billie said with a smile hoping to get Cassie to go with her.

Cassie said back with a semi smile and a deep breath "_Nah girl you no Timothy (Cassie's boyfriend) would be mad if I went to the park with you and chilled with some boys… even if it was one boy and it was your boyfriend you know he would _be_ mad."_

"_Ya I know but it did not hurt to try and see If you wanted to go you know… and you know there is going to be girls there, not just boys?_" Billie said back as if she was confused by what Cassie said.

"_I know but you know Timothy and I don't want to lose him we have already been in more fight then I want to be in and I don't feel like getting in any more! And I am sorry if I offended you._"

Billie said back, "_What ever I don't care, but hey I got to go I will text you latter or I will call you okay._"

"_Okay bye hope you have fun and stay out of trouble!_" Cassie said with a smile.

Billie said back while running to meet the boy, "_I always do hah ha hah ha bye!_"

_**Thirty minutes latter!**_

As Cassie was about to walk into Wal-mart she seen something flashy poster on the movable glass doors, but she could not read the poster because the doors would open and every time she moved, so she could not read it. She got so mad at herself because she could not read this flashy, shiny and sparkly poster that caught her eye. So she tried to stand really still and to see if the doors would close and stay closed just long enough to read it. But every time she would be still enough to read the poster, someone would walk by and make the doors open. She got to the point were she went in Wal-mart to buy one big poster and one pack of bright colors to drawl so she could make a poster for her self. The poster says in all capital letters, "_**DO NOT WALK BY ME! I AM TRYING TO READ THE SIGN ON THE DOOR!**_" After she put all the on there she stood still waiting for the door to close. When the door closed some more people walked by her and it made Cassie so mad she started to yell at the people that walked by her.

It just so happened two teenaged boys walked up to her and asked her "_What are you doing_"

Her response was "_**READ THE FUCKING SIGN! HOW HARD IS IT TO READ THE SIGN I WORKED TWO MINUTES ON IT AND IT WILL TAKE YOU LESS THEN ONE MINUTE TO READ IT SO READ IT!**_"

The two teenaged boys said back with a shocked faces, "_hey you don't need to yell at us. We were going to tell you that you could look on the other side of the door and read it unless you like you like to read backwards. But hey if you are going to yell at us then you can go suck a tally-waker."_

Cassie looked at them and then said back, "_Look I am sorry I have been trying to look at this sign for…" _she looks at her cell phone and then back at them, "_ … about fifteen minutes and I still have not read this damn sign. I mean you would get mad too if you where in my shoes. So I am sorry for getting my panties in a knot and thank you for telling me to go around to the other side of the door to read it because I would be here forever… and I feel kind of dumb standing out here trying to read a backwards sign so thank you and I am sorry._"

The boys looked at her and started to laugh and giggle and then said, "_It is ok we don't know how you feel because if we cant do something in like a minute we stop trying so we don't know what you are saying there, but we are going to say ok and walk away now._" The two boys look at each other then look at back at her, and then run off like she is a freak.

Thinking to her-self, "_WOW they are kind of creepy oh well I don't care I am going to read that sign!_"

So she went to the other side and then read the note. The note said:

"_FREE CAR GO TO 3991 CAR STREET IF YOUR NAME IS__** CASSIE!**_"

The first thing that popped up in her head is "_What the heck that is my name?_" Then she had to tell someone, but who? She look at her phone contacts to see who she could get to take her and the first person the came up was her sister because her name was under "_AA Kat :) (SISTER)_" she looked up, smiled, and started to run home to her sister to tell her about it and to see if she was up and moving so, she could convince her to take her.

* * *

><p>A.N. I'm already working on the next chap, ... you better add this to your fav. and review otherwise, I'm going to send Barricade to annoy the slag outta you ^_^<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**WarriorKat21:** hey guys... LMR couldnt get on the computer for the last could of weeks so she asked me to get on here and post for her. ^_^ sorry for the wait.

Disclaimer: neither of us own the transformers... there done.

* * *

><p><strong>Free Car!<strong>

Chapter 2

* * *

><p>When Cassie got home, she noticed her mom still was not home and her sister was still sleeping. She thought to herself, "<em>I can't wait for her to get up cuz the car could be gone by then.<em>"So Cassie ran to her sisters' room, she flung open the door and said loudly, "_KATHY! I FOUND A CAR! PLEASE GET UP!_"

Kathy sat up like she did before and said, "_Where is the car and why are you getting me? Why can't you get mom or walk like any other person does?_"

Cassie looked at her sister and then said with a smile, "_Cuz you're my sister and you love me! Mom is not home so please get up and take me to 3991 CAR STREET._"

Kathy finally said, "_Okay_" then got out of bed. Cassie walked out of her room so she could get ready. It only took her five minutes to get ready and then Kathy walked out and grabbed a soda and they got in the car.

Kathy turned on the car and then the music then they was off to 3991 Car Street. Cassie looked over at her sister as she was drinking her soda then Cassie said, "_You know you look like the Disney person named Grumpy._" Cassie started to giggle.

Kathy just looked over at her and saw Cassie started making a really funny and random face, and then she started to giggle too. They finally got to the street and the street and seen the car. Kathy started to laugh and then said, "_That is your dream car it looks like crap_"

Cassie looked over and said, "_What do you expect it is free and it just needs some work I want it. I am going to get it!_"

Kathy said back, _"You know there is most likely to be a ketch for it to be free. cuz nothing is free._"

Cassie did not say anything she just got out of the car and walked over to the free car. She looked in and seen that it was nice in side and then she saw that the door was unlocked, so she opened up the door and sat in the seat. She noticed the steering wheel was all dusty so she wiped it off and seen a funny looking symbol. She looked at her sister and then yelled out, "_**Kathy you have to see this come here!.**_"

Kathie looked over and rolled her eyes then got out of the car and stared to walk over to her. When she got there, Kathy look in the car and then said, "_Wow this is nice leather seats, a newer radio_ _and an old and weird steering wheel._"

Cassie look at Kathy and then said with a big smile, "_Ya and the seats are really comfortable go around and sit in it and tell me wait you think._" Kathy went around and opened the door then sat, then said, "_Ya there okay mine are better though._"

"_You are just saying that cuz you have a car to sit in and you are trying to make me mad._" Cassie said back.

Kathy said back trying to hold a giggle, "_okay if that is what you want to think then what ever._"

Kathy opened the glove compartment and an old yellow piece of paper fell out Cassie looked over and said, "_What is that?_"

Kathie picked it up and read the note, it said, "_Dear Cassie, I hope you found the car ok. I know you will enjoy the car and treat it with love and the car keys are also in the glove compartment so you can just take it. There are zero ketches so you do not have to worry about it. The car is in fact free and now all yours. Hope you enjoy!" _Kathy reached into the glove compartment and pulled out the keys and the title said, "_This car is owned by Cassie Ann Star"_

Kathie said with a shocked voice, "_Wow I did not get a free car for my birth day that is missed up. Who even gave you this?_"

"_You know you think too much and you are like mom. you ask to many questions. I don't know the answer to!_" Cassie said back smiling because she got a free car. Cassie then got the keys to the car and had to hear what it sounded like so she fired up the car and it sounded amazing.

Kathy got out of the car and the said, "_Now you can drive home I am going home and going to sleep no more bugging me._"

Cassie then said, "_Okay I will be home latter I am going to go show off my new car._" Kathy just waved as she walked back to her car.

Before Cassie left that spot, she wanted to pop the hood to see the engine. So she did, then after that got out and walked around to look at it. When she did, she seen the best engine you could ever see. She smiled and thought to herself, "_I am going to get in trouble with this I know it._" Then she started to laugh. She got back in the car and called Timothy.

He answered the phone and said, "_Hey babe what are you doing?_" Cassie said back, "_Nothing, I am going to come over I have something to show you. Are you at home?_"

Tim said back with excitement in his voice, "_Ya I am at home what are you going to show me?_"

Cassie giggled and then said, "_You will see, but hey I got to go I will be there in about an hour okay I love you baby._"

* * *

><p><strong>Warriorkat21: <strong>also she has told me to tell you all that if you don't review she will keep her threat of sending Barricade.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N.** Hey everyone I'm BACK! (^_^)

hopefully i'll be more able to post chapters faster so all of you don't have to wait.

hope you enjoy chapter 3 ... if you don't then, that sounds like a personal problem, maybe you'll like cahp 4 beeter lol.

* * *

><p><strong>Showing Timothy the New Car<strong>

Chapter 3

Before Cassie went to see Timothy she went home to clean up, because she had grease on her from the engine. When she got home she saw her mom was home. _"Oh grate mom is home, I know I am going to hear something about this car. She always says something."_ Cassie thought to herself. She pulled in the drive way and turned off the car.

As she was getting out, Cassie's mom came out. _"Were did you get that? I know you did not just go buy that! Who did you take that from? You better take it back it looks like it's dangerous!" Cassie's mom said as she was walking up to her. _

Cassie started to talk, _"Mom take a chill pill… The car was free, you can ask Kathy… no mom I did not take it from someone, I got the car. The car is mine to have forever and it is not dangerous, I drove it all the way home." _

After saying all of that Cassie walked around her mom and went inside. She looked back to see her mom walk to the car to look inside. Cassie went up to her room to wash off the grease and wash her face so she can put new make up on, then after all that she changed her close to something nicer. She walked down stairs to go her car but her mom was there so she turned around to go out the front door so she would not have to talk to her mom.

Then she got into her car and called her boyfriend and when he answered the phone she said, "_Hey baby are you still at home?"_

_ "Yah I am still at home. You coming?"_ Timothy said with an eager voice, because he wanted to know what his girlfriend was going to show him.

Cassie said back with a happier voice then before, _"Okay I will be there in like five minutes. And I want to show you what I got for my birth day, but let me go so I can get there I love you baby and I will see you in five minutes."_

Timothy said back,_ "Okay I love you to babe can't wait to see you!"_

They both hung up the phone. Then Cassie turned on the car and started to back out of the drive way. Cassie seen her mom looking out the kitchen window so she slowed down to a stop and used sign language to her mom letting her know where she was going Cassie mom shook her head yes then Cassie rode off.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Five minutes latter…<strong>_

"_HONK HONK! Hey baby come out side and see what I got!"_ Cassie said as she parked the car. Timothy came out and saw the car.

_"Babe is that your car?" _Timothy said as his mouth dropped open.

_"No it's the fart cloud floating next to me's car… Duh it's my car. I would not be driving it if it was not mine… do you like it_?" Cassie said with a smile on her face.

Timothy started to chuckle and then said, _"O_O Do I like it! Babe, do you even know what model car this is?"_

Cassie looked at him as if he was joking and then said, _"No I don't but I do know I like driving it and I like having a car."_

Timothy looked at her and then said, _"Okay this is a 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle. With a nice faded black and it is really nice because it also has racing strips…" _Timothy starting walking around the back of the car and when he went to the back he went on to say, _"You do have some work on it though cause you have some rust spots… hah they kind look like poop." _He walked around and asked Cassie if he could drive.

Cassie said_, "But I just got this and I like driving…" _ She stopped talking for a minute and then started talking again, _"Okay I will let you but if you break my car I will brake you're face and make you not have babies! Come open the door for me you know like a gentleman you should be."_

Timothy ran around to the door and as he went to open the door for her it flung open as if someone meant to hit him with it.

Timothy said with a shocked look on his face, _"What was that for I did nothing to you and you hit me."_

Cassie started to laugh but caught herself to say, _"I did not do that I thought you did that to be funny and it kinda was funny but I did not do it so get up."_

_"Yes you did cause the door did not open on its own. But its ok the door is open now can I drive?" _he said back to her kind of aggravated.

Cassie said as she was getting out, _"Yah and just so you know I did not hit you with the door I don't know who did but it was not me! So if you don't believe me then that sounds like a personal problem."_

As they were switching seats, they did not talk; they did not look at each other. When they got in the car they look over and they both said, _**"Sorry"**_ then they both started to laugh. He turned on the car and then got on the road.

_"So where are we going or should I say where are you taking me?"_ Cassie said as if she wanted to go on a date.

Timothy looked over at her and then said, _"Well I am hungry so let's go to that new restaurant 'Fat Butt and More'." _

Cassie looked at him with the weirdest look then said, _"What I have never hear of that place and it sounds like they are saying I have a big butt, but I am hungry so ok we can try it out." _

So they drove about three miles and stopped at 'Fat Butt and More' restaurant (_an all you can eat restaurant_). When they got there they parked and then he turned off the car and they sat there for a minute.

Timothy then said, _"I will get out and get your door so you don't have to open the door and you know I don't want you braking a nail on me or anything…" _he started to laugh and then tried to open the door but couldn't cause it was stuck then started to say again, _"um babe the door is stuck like it doesn't want to open and I'm not playing with you like, it's not a joke."_

Cassie said with a shocked and slightly mad voice, _"What do you mean it is not opening what did you do? Let me go around and see if I can open it…" _Cassie got out of the car and thought to herself, _**"I always have to make thing right I swear boys can be slow!"**_ As she got to that side of the car, she stuck her hand on the handle and to tried and open the door and it opened on the first try. She looked at him and then said with a smile, _"It always takes a girl."_ She started to laugh.

Timothy said back, _"Yah okay you can think that but it is not true your car just likes you better or something! Its like you car hates me for some minute."_

_"Yah it probably hates you because you said it looks like it has poop on the back." _She started to laugh.

_"That's not funny it does. I am sorry I won't say it any more and I will fix it so it doesn't look like that anymore." _He said back while laughing also.

They walked into the restaurant and got a seat and then got some food.

Thirty minutes later they were done and walking back to the car.

Cassie said, _"Hey babe I am going to drive you home and then I am going to go home and take a nap. I think I ate too much."_

Timothy said back, _"Okay am I going to see you later tonight or tomorrow some time?"_

_"Um I don't know I think I am free but I'm not sure so I will send you a text and let you know."_ Cassie said as they were driving back.

Timothy said, _"Okay babe… lets see what is on the radio."_

Cassie reached over and flipped on the radio and it was on 101.1 (_**a rock station**_) Cassie and Timothy look at each other and giggled and then he tried to change it but it did not work so he gave up. Cassie then tried and it worked, she started to giggle as she flipped it to k92.3fm (_**a county station**_). They got to his house and she looked over and he went to kiss her. As he was getting out his mom came out and she rolled down the window and said, _"Bye puddin butt!" _she started to laugh just like his mother. He looked over and shook his head and waved bye.

* * *

><p>As she was on the way home she was listening to the radio and one of her favorite songs came one. So she started to sing the song. All the sudden the car stopped and scared Cassie. She pulled over so she could see what was wrong.<p>

As she got out she said out loud, _"What's wrong you stupid fragging car? Why did you stop like that?"_ she was talking as if the car was real and as if it would talk. The radio stopped and then a deep voice said, _"Don't sing!"_

Cassie looked at the steering wheel than said, _"Um are you talking to me?"_

_ "Yah, dumb aft who else am I going to talk to… oh wait you could think I am talking to that fart cloud floating next to you. You know the one you told that abomination you call a puddin butt. And you do know there is nothing floating by you. You might want to get your eyes checked." _The car spoke back to her.

Cassie mouth dropped open she then said, _"You can't talk you are a car you know you go vroom vroom not words! And that puddin butt is my boyfriend not an abomination and when I said fart cloud floating next to me that's just a saying it to be funny. How are you talking you are a car…"_

_ "Do you ever shut your mouth you talk all the time, and you ask a lot of questions." _The car said by cutting her off.

_"You know that was really uncalled for. Cutting me off that is so rude and I am not going to take that from you. Do I make myself clear?"_ Cassie said kind of scared but also offended.

The car started talking again, _"Um yah I understand now can we go you parked me in the dirt and you're going to get dust all over me and that is uncalled for too."_

Cassie said, _"Um should I get in like you're a car and your talking like that is not normal, so before I get in your going to tell me who you are, how you are talking and your name!"_

_ "Okay I am going to tell you just because you kind of scaring me and I don't want you to do anything to me so I will tell you but it might take some time to you might want to get in and then I will tell you…" _The car said.

Cassie said with a wide eyed look, _"Are you telling me what to do… I don't like that now I will do what I want to ok… okay I will sit in the car but I'm only going to cause I want to sit!"_

The car opened the door for her as she was walking to the side and then mumbled, _"that is what I thought get your aft in this car!"_

_ "What did you say I did not hear you?" _Cassie said as she sat in the seat.

_ "I did not say anything but can you move me because I don't want to sit here and you are… I mean can you wash me when we get to the thing you live in?" _he said back to her.

Cassie said kinda giggle, _"Yah I can see what I can do for you and yes I can move you. I will move over to that taco-bell and then you can tell me how you are talking, who you are and all that stuff ok."_

He said, _"No take me to your house and then I will tell you every thing like why I picked you, how you can help me and all that stuff!"_

Cassie said, _"Why do you want me to take you to my house I mean I will but why?"_

_ "Because I want you to wash me I feel dirty so yah that's why."_ He said back like a smart aft.

Cassie laughed and as she pulled off to go home she then said,_ "Haha you said dirty."_


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N. **(^_^) TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE NIGHT YAY!

hope ya'll enjoy

* * *

><p><strong>How It Works<strong>

Chapter 4

_**Five minutes later!**_

Cassie said to the car as they pulled up into the driveway, "_Okay we are home now car, I am going to go get something to wash you with, something to eat, and then you have some talking to do."_ She got out of the car and then went inside and then her sister stopped her.

_"Hey what are you about to do?"_ Kathy said to Cassie as she came in the house.

Cassie said quickly back, _"going to wash my car and then I don't know, why do you need something?"_

Kathy said, _"Nah I don't but mom looked mad I don't know what her problem was but she left in a rush."_

Cassie said with a smirk on her face, _"Yah I know I think I made her mad because I have a car now and you know her everything has to be approved by her before you can do it." _Then Cassie walked over and grabbed some soap and a bucket then walked outside. Cassie walked over to the car and set it all down then said to the car, _"Okay I am back now as I'm washing you, you have to talk ok."_

The car started to talk, _"Okay but I don't know how to start like I guess I can start with my name. My name is not car it's…"_

_ "Ha-ha is it smart aft?"_ Cassie said jokingly.

He went back to talk, _"No it is not and don't cut me off I don't like that just like you don't like it. Now back to what I was saying my name is Barricade. I came from a planet called Cybertron. You will never see it because it is too far for an earthling to see…" _Cassie raised her hand to ask a question._ "All questions are asked after I am done telling you and thank you for not cutting me off. But anyways like I was saying I am from a far away planet you will never see. I came here to this so called Earth to find something called The Cube. You see you know a lot of people and I know you know someone named Lincoln Fart. He knows of this cube and I need it you see my boss needs it to live. I'm a Decepticon and the Autobots are trying to keep it from us when it is not theirs to have. They will do anything to get it and I am sure they have talked to Lincoln about this cube I am telling you about. I am going to tell you I am going to do whatever I need to, to get it and if that means killing I will most of us you know my kind say that we are the bad people as you would say. I know you can talk to this Lincoln kid and get the cube for me. But that is me, now do you have any question for me?" _He got done talking to Cassie and then there was a silent for a minute or two.

Cassie finally spoke and when she did she said, _"WOW I am on the bad guys side oh my gosh I have to tell my sister. Like she and I will talk to Lincoln but you see it is going to be kinda hard we were dating at one time and we broke up and it might take a little bit for me to get it. Wait if you get it then that means you are going to leave me and that's not cool. How I'm going to tell mom when I no longer have a car? What am I going to say oh yah mom my car is like this alien freak that came from this planet called Cybertron and I helped him and now I don't have a car. See that is not how it works on Earth. Oh and I know I just got you but I don't want you to leave me like that it's rude."_

Barricade said, _"You see I will still be your car and I am not going to leave you because I am not allowed, that is my punishment cause like it's a long story and I can't really explain. But I am not going to leave I'm yours till I die and I have as long as it takes as long as I get it ok so can you try?"_

Cassie said back with a smile on her face, _"Okay and I will try and get the cube but I am not going to promise you anything but I will try."_

Kathy walked out and looked at her sister talking to her car, she said, _"Cassie why are you talking to your car? It not like it's going to talk back. Ha-ha but that would be cool if it did though."_

Cassie said back like she was disgusted, _"Um yah that would be cool if it could. Oh Kathy I named my car. You want to know what it is? Well I don't care if you do or don't its Barricade and I named your car to it is Buda."_

_ "Wow Cassie only you would name your car and other people's car."_ Kathy said to her sister while laughing and rolling her eyes.


End file.
